rebelpunkjen

So I went to the dr's this morning and they said I have a pretty bad infection in my eyes from wearing my contacts too long. WTF. i hardly even wear them anymore. but whatevs. I have to put this shit in my eyes like 3 times day. I am so proud b/c i might be able to get on the Deans list this semester! woot.woot. i just have to ask my race and ethnic tensions teacher about extra credit because i might get a C in there. but he seems alright, so he might let me do extra credit. we'll see. Well i just wanted to update everyone on my eyes!!! especially my roomy laura, who absolutely LOVES eyeballs!!! NOT!! but hey, you gotta love me!

peace out girl scout!

So here's what I have been up to:

These past few weeks were kind of hectic, but everything is finally starting to calm down again. Like 2 weeks ago I had 3 mid-terms in two days and it was study-mode like crazy for this chick. But I did well, I got 2 A's and a C+. So whatevs, not too bad. School has been blah. I still have no clue what the hell I wanna do with my life. Which people have been telling me is completely normal, but if they were in my shoes, they would be doing the same thing. I get all uptight about the subject and so frustrated I don't even want to talk about it, with anyone. Thad always tells me I need to figure it out soon, but he doesn't understand this whole college thing. I don't know what he thinks. But I can't hold it against him, college isn't for everyone. So yea, my latest thing is Paralegal Studies. So, we'll see how that goes. I am sure it will change in a few days. Its hard to figure out what you wanna do with your life when you are so young. It's like someone asking you, how do you wanna die? Well, there are many ways I don't want to die...but no way that I do. There are so many things in your lie that you can figure out is wrong with it and that you dont wanna do but when it comes to what you wanna do with you life....WTF. Who needs a job anyways. maybe i will just move far far away and live in a cabin with thad and have nothing but a cell phone and call my friends every once in awhile and just be a hermit. But for all of those who know me, i could never do that. UNLESS...i had music, and in these rainy days like today, Danielle and a football! So yea. thats how school is going.

Thad and I are still doing very well. We have had some tough weeks because I work all weekend long and most of the time so does he. So we only get to see eachother at night and its sucks. I know, i know. You are probably thinking 'thats the best time to see him' but no. Not in my case. We are both tired and agitated because we both dislike the people we work with so then we give eachother attitudes but one of the good things is that we can usually make up pretty fast. We either bitch for awhile or just start laughing because one of us is being so ridiculous its like living in high school again. But he is just an amazing human being whom I can't wait to be with. OH YEA. his sister had her baby sat. oct 29th while D and I were at the Penn State vs. Perdue football game....( GO PSU!!)I am so excited to go home in a few days and see Ava (thads & i's niece) Thad and I haven't really done anything exciting lately because like i said we are both pretty busy on the weekends. But we are getting used to it and spending out time wisely with one another. I have been gettin on his ass about dying his hair back to blonde and he hates me now. lol. he loves his black, punk-rock looking hair. I am beginning to get sick of it. I personally like him the best with Blonde and black highlights. but he doesnt listen to me, i am just his gf.

the family is doing alright. we are all kinda stressing because we have a big event coming up in a few weekends. we are still building our house and its getting there slowly but surely.

the roomies are still pretty sweet. D and I have been thinking about football non-stop since we were at the penn state game this past saturday. I think she is the only other girl that I met that can actually throw a football!! She is so proud of that too!! I would be too, because you dont see very many girls that can actually throw a reg. size football and actually make it to the other person. She isn't very well at catching the football thought but she blames that on me because I throw 'too hard.' Possibly. But I am used to playing with guys. Laura is still with Sean. And she found out about a month ago she got accepted to Arcadia. So i suppose she will be transferring there Fall '06.:( We are gonna miss her, but while she is here we are gonna live it up. I cant blame her though. There are a few reasons why she decided: a.) closer to Sean b.) closer to sean c.) closer to sean d.)closer to home e.)its an awesome college with castles....and a few others. but i think you see which is the most important. lol. its cool though, like I said, I would do it too. Uhhh the other roomy kinda just mingles around. we see her every once in awhile. but thats about it. so whatevs.

well kids my eyes are killing me, so I think I am gonna go watch TV until I fall asleep...

NIGHTY-NIGHT DON'T LET THE JEN BUGS BITE!!!!

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to critisize,
hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in you hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breahte

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
But you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life they belong to
And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
oh breathe, just breathe.

So, I know I am a loser. I haven't updated since like Valentine's Day. I just never remember. I don't need to write my feelings down or say how my day is going because only one person really cares and I talk to him every night on the phone. So what's the sense in telling everyone else? I have been really bummed lately. I just want to go home and be with him, but I can't. Only a few more days though and then my freshmen year here at LHU will be over. It went pretty fast. Yea, but that's about it for my life right now. Same shit, just a different day. Headin' to bed, maybe there I can finally find some sort of comfort without you here. night.




"This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)"

So, Valentine's Day was wonderful and I love my boyfriend so much. Not a lot has happened lately with me. Same shit, different day. Well, one of the few things that have happened is soooo exciting! I found out that my BF is pregnant! I am so excited! She thinks that I am disappointed in her bc she hasnt gone to school and blah blah blah, basically bc she didnt choose the life i did. But that is so totally not the case. All ppl choose different lives to follow, and I respect that. Things could be alot worse, it oculd be to some random guy who didnt want anything to do with her, but its not. She is completely head over heals for her fiance and they are perfect for eachother. Not all people are meant for college. Honestly, I dont even know if I am. I was taught that I had to go to college, and i had no other choice. To me, it doesnt matter if you go to college or not, what matters is that you live life how you want and dont have any regrets. Anyways, I dont know what to write b/c there are like a bizillion things going through my head right now and i am exhausted. Goodnight kidz.


I am so random....blah.

Hello again my dear friends of livejournal. I think the last time I posted was back in NOVEMBER! (maybe December) A lot of things have happen since then both good and occassionally a few bad. Well good news, I am finally 18! My bday was awesome and so was Xmas and new years. I had tons of fun with the people back home especially, Thaddeus. He got me tons and tons of things for Xmas and my bday. Things are going great for us, as always. He has taught me so much in life that I somehow thought I already knew, and yet I never knew it, I thought I did. Anyways, not going to get on another rampage about him again. My roomies are awesome. I have came to realize that we all come from different families that teach us different things. Some learn more than others and some it just takes awhile to catch on. These galz that I am with now are my family for the next 3 and a half years here at LHU! All the high school bullshit doesnt matter anymore. Yeah, someone may forget to put dishes in the dishwasher occassionally or whatever, but we all get over it. Look beyond the little things. There are more to people than mistakes. I think thats the things with human beings, we always find the negative things in not only other people, but ourselves. You look in the mirror and say OMG i am so fat. WHY do we say this? Because we are either afraid that other ppl think that too and we are afraid of what it might become. Either more fattyness or who knoes. We are all afraid of what may happen. I will admit, I have never had that problem of worrying about my weight, but I can only imagine what its like. We all worry about the stupid 'what if's' and no one focuses on the fact that there may not be a 'what if', live each day to the fullest and have no regrets. Don't worry about the what if's, dont worry about other ignorant jackass people. Worry about the ones you love and the they, without any biasedness(dunno if thats a word, but it is now!) they love you back. Those are the ppl who you should worry about. When you worry about other ppl its like your putting the ppl who love you for you behind you and focuses on the things you can change. Like I said, I am not the perfect girl either, though ppl might think I am, I have my faults and I have my weaknesses. Only, I dont let them get the best of me. I say fuck all you people who dont like me, and dont let them bring me down. I worry about the things that I can fix now and the things that I need to help other people fix. D, Rach and I were all talking last night about how we were 'bullied' in HS and how that has effected us. It really didnt effect me as much as it did them and Im not sure why. Its not a bad thing though. You always have to worry about those kinds of things. People dont realize how bad they hurt ppl with words. Mental abuse is worse then physical abuse in my opinion. And D, if you are reading this, you need to let go of all those feelings and live today like its your last. You cant worry about the what if's (dont deny it, you know you do!!) You have to be selfish. Things happen for a reason. I am always here for you and I hope you know that. I may not be able to relate to you as well, but I will try my hardest. And to my beautiful Rach, we have the greatest times together (especially last night!) I know you have also been dealing with problems lately. You know that you can always count on me to talk to. Its gonna be hard for you in about a month when josh leaves, but everything will be okay. Take the time that you have now and make it memorable and not regrettable. You dont wanna spend these next few weeks down in the dumps b/c he is leaving soon or arguing with one another (not saying you will), you wanna make it the best damn time of your life. It may be hard b/c you can only talk to him on the phone, but words come from the same place your emotions and everything else that you feel from him do, your heart and soul. I am here for you always, and I hope you know that. And to Laura, things were rough a few months ago or whenever. But I am honestly glad we all had a 'meeting' and talked. You have changed for the better and I am glad that we all hang out alot more often now. I know we havent really been 'tight' but that doesnt mean we cant start now. I dont want you to feel uncomfortable to come and talk to me. Its cool if you dont, some people just arent comfortable talking to others. It doesnt even have to be just because you and nick are having problems or anything. It can be just b/c you are having a bad day or something. I just wanted you all to know that I am here for you guys always, and lets make these next few years the best time of our lives with only a little little bit of drama..eww i hate that word!

PSTTTTT...one word for ya........................................GAWD!!!!!!

GOTTA LOVE NAPOLEAN

Well, one again it has been awhile since I have posted. I can't get used to this lovejournal thing. I am used to keeping it all in my head. Well last week flew by because I only had like 4 classes in two days. I went home, well I went straight to Thad's aunts house because they were up for Thanksgiving from Florida. We hung out there for awhile and then went back to his place. Wednesday I was with him from like 5:00 till 2 am. It was awesome. Oh yea.....He got his hair cut! Gawd....he looks even better. Thursday was Turkey Day. It was the first time in 12 years that Thad could eat whatever he wanted. Usually he could only eat like a plate of food because he was loosing weight for wrestling. We had dinner with my family around 1 and then hung out till about 4:30 and then went over to his family and had dinner around 5ish. We stayed there for a little while and then yet again went back to his house for the night. Friday he had to work again, so I hung out with my grandparents. Saturday I spent all day with Thad and we baked Chocolate Chip Cookies, which was a blast. I forgot to put bread in the can to keep them moist so now they are hard! I brought them back to school with me and hopefully I will be able to eat them before Rach gets to them! just kidding, i dont mind! Sunday I spent half of the day with my mom because she was alone since my dad and brother went to hunting camp. I didnt leave to come back to LHU till about 7:45 because I couldnt get my lazy ass out of thads bed. When I got back to LHU i hung out with Rach and we just talked for awhile. Oh yea Jodi and Jacinta came over and spent the night. And Jodi slept with me!!....again. Monday I went to classes and hung out with Rach, D and Jake in between them. Jodi, Jacinta, Rach and I went to the Dollar Store and to Wally World. I would have to say that is the most we all got in one trip. Today, Tuesday, I hung out with Rach and D all day and we just got back from seeing D's b/f Jakie-Pooh! Now I will probably clean my room and wait for Thaddeus to call me.

I am so glad to be back in LHU, however I do miss Thad dearly, but I must say having my own apt is a blast. Except for cleaning up after other people......grow up...someone yet again used more of my laundry detergent that was almost empty.....its pretty sad when you have to use(and eat) other peoples shit because your too lazy to go buy your own, especially when I have a note (my second one at that)on it that says 'someone needs to buy me laundry detergent b/c i only got to use it 2 times and its almost empty'.......ps-you know who you are

Well, I haven't really done much since I last posted. I went home this past weekend and it was fun! Friday I hung out with Thad all day, which was wonderful. Saturday I helped my parents for a little and then went back over to thads. I took his little brother to the skatepark. Thad and I stayed for a little bit but we were really hungry for an Auntie Anne's Pretzel, so we went to the mall. Instead of an Auntie Anne's Pretzel, we went to Arby's! Gawd I miss that place. We have an Arbys here...but it just isnt the same! Thats really all I did saturday. AND SUNDAY!!! gawd! I had to work all damn day at my house, but I guess it will pay off....eventually....I didnt get to see thad and at, not even to say goodbye. But thats alright, thats what makes my week go really fast, knowing I will see him Friday...He got a job promotion and he has only been working at Lowes for 2 months now. So I am really proud of him. This has been a really big step for him in his life, plus on top of it all, he has to figure out his future career and then figure out how he wants to pursue it. I am glad to be there with him throughout all of it. I know he needs me to be there, and I will never turn my back on him., That's one thing I am sure of.....I know I am one of the reasons he has made it this far and I hope I help him continue with his growth...he has never had someone to help him along the way.....and I am glad he chose me to fill that spot.....because I am willing to do anything in my power to make him a happier and fulfilling person. Sometimes he upsets me, but NO relationship is perfect and I understand that he has had a completely different history than me, so thats one thing I have to deal with...however sometimes I dont think he understands everything about me, but then that is something that is different about him....he never makes me feel any sort of discomfort when I am with him. We ALWAYS have fun together, unless my 'friend' is visiting me...he makes me feel like a kid again when i am with him, which I need. During the week, I am that somswhat responsible sophisticated young lady, but when I go home, the child comes out in me. I LOVE IT! Sometimes it scares me that in the future, ......well, that we wont have that longing need for eachother, that we wont wanna just sit and talk for hours at a time and play Halo/Halo 2!! That we wont wanna go places together and that we will just 'stay together for the kids', my worst enemy is his hate for me if it comes to that, I hope and pray to God that he is the only one for me and that he will always be the one i can count on......but that worst part of it all is that i am not worried about him falling out of love with me, i am really worried that I, myself, will ......well you know, now have feelings.......he has kept me faithful, caring, loving and all those wonderful feelins for almost 3 yrs and 8 months now.....so hopefully I have already went through all the times that are supposed to be the hardest......I just want him to know one thing, if anything EVER happens to me, He is the one I want to see at the end of my path, I long for his love and I need him to be there for me.....I also want him to know that if anything ever happens to us, I will never regret what we had...but hopefully that will never happen and it will be what we HAVE.......I love you thad.....and no matter what, I will ALWAYS be here for you through everything......

Love wandered inside
Stronger than you
Stronger than I
And now that it has begun
We cannot turn back
We can only turn into one

I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch you fall
Whenever you call

And I'm truly inspired
Finding my soul
There in your eyes
And you
Have opened my heart
And lifted me inside
By showing me yourself
Undisguised

I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch you fall
Whenever you call

And I will breathe for you each day
Comfort you through all the pain
Gently kiss your fears away
You can turn to me and cry
Always understand that I
Give you all I am inside

I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call

I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch you fall
Whenever you call

"Whenever You Call" Brian McKnight & Mariah Carey